Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
