So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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