Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
