I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize