I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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