So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
