Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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