omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
