when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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