i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
