If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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