He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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