what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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