i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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