It's like God shit irony all over that family
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize