I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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