Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
