So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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