I hate all girls vehemently.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
