your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
