Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
