Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
