and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
a search helicopter?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
