I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
