P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
