I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
