Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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