I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
