Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I stole a fireplace last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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