Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
