You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
