the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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