I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
