Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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