Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
