Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
