I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
