I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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