Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize