all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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