I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
im six kinds of drunk right now
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
