i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
