Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
