I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ambien. No doubt about it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize