i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
