sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize