I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
