For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
