Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
