Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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