OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
