we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize