Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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