Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
