when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
