my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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