the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
