i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
