he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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