you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she pinky promised me she was 18
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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