bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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