im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
