Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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