So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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