party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
