Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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