Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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