There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
