just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
