i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
