He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
